


let safety lead the way

by skeletonannie



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Gen, Hot Mess, These Idiots, Tumblr Prompt, blame this on jay, lawstein - Freeform, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-09 10:19:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3246002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skeletonannie/pseuds/skeletonannie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>prompt: "we’re the newest members of an edutainment performance group that goes to schools to teach kids about drugs or smoking or whatever" AU</p>
<p>lawstein; safety & fire prevention is dangerous work</p>
<p>[ or, 'MASTERS OF DISASTER' VOL.I ]</p>
            </blockquote>





	let safety lead the way

You’ve never been as embarrassed in your entire 334 year existence as you are right now.

The BFG had convinced you to help her with the fire & safety show at the local elementary schools as part of this dorky do-gooder club she had joined; you never would have agreed, but she made it into a bet and you couldn’t back down. You should’ve backed down, but—okay, so you may have overestimated yourself, but you did  _not_ expect Stilts to be able to pull that off, and as mad as you are for losing and ending up in this shitstorm of a safety demonstration, you have to appreciate the talent.  Also, Laura volunteered you.

So now here you are, dressed as a  _fucking bee_ , teaching 13 year olds about fire safety and stranger danger.  They even gave you a dance, and a sign, and there is a cue in one of the godforsaken songs that calls for you to shake your stinger to the beat of a siren.

"To bee or not to bee, that is the que—"

You elbow her tummy so hard she wheezes.  ”Feel free to stuff it, Beanpole,” crossing your arms and scowling, you kick weakly at her shin. “Why couldn’t I be Sparky.”

 

Danny snorts out a laugh and starts to say some horrible joke about buzzing off, but before she can the director of this debacle calls you to attention. You’re so  _grumpy_  about this, but the Sasquatch won fair and square, and Laura asked you to, and it’s not like it’s  _filmed_ or anythi—

"Just so you’re aware of the gravity of this situation, I told LaFontaine to come by and get a nice angle for blackmail, so I hope you know your lighting."

The growl that rips from your throat peters out into a small whimper when Laura glares at you from her place in the chorus line.  Lurch smirks at you so you smile saccharinely and when she turns around you pull her stupid tail,  _hard._   It tears a hole in the fabric of her dog costume and she whirls around, infuriated.

“ _Carmilla!_ I have to teach kids about fire prevention and now all I’ll be able to focus on is the breeze from my  _tail hole_  and whether or not some over caffeinated bodyspray cloud shaped vaguely like a human is able to see my ass, you  _trashcan_.”

You shrug, your wings bobbing past your ears. “Sorry about that, Sparky. But ‘the first step to avoiding a disaster is to recognize the potential dangers.’ So maybe next time don’t be a complete twat and you won’t have to worry about some boner with eyes leering at you.”

She grimaces and turns back to get into position, but not before you see her tug pitifully on her tail with a small whisper of  _boner with eyes??_

-

Well, that could  _not_ have gone better.

You were already pretty annoyed because you were wearing a bee costume shaking your bee-clad ass to a song sung by a dalmation and a fire hydrant while a chorus line dressed as firemen harmonized and swung a hose around. It just got worse when you looked out into the crowd and saw those horrible little cretins. You could smell them, and the stench of pubescent desperation has always made you nauseous. So, when you got to the part where you’re supposed to step into the spotlight, sing your spiel about strangers and  _spying dangers before they have the chance to become dangerous!_  and then act it out, it’s hardly your fault when, instead of that, you completely blank and have to improvise.  

You hear Laura’s indignant gasp when you reach to your left and grab Danny’s tail again, pulling her into the spotlight with you.  She gives you a panicked look and you shrug before pulling her into a jig you hope can be construed as a demonstration of an aggressor coming on too strong. Danny is cooperating, surprisingly, and when she twirls you you slam your body into hers. She wheezes and her fingers dig harshly into your side. Wrapping her arm around your neck, you heave forward and Danny sprawls out over your shoulders, hitting the stage with a resounding thump.

You bounce from toe to toe before addressing the crowd of teens.

"Um. So, always remember that you—um, you don’t owe anybody anything? And if they don’t respect your autonomy then you are fully valid in your subsequent ass whoop—"

Your feet are swept out from underneath you and you hit the ground hard. Danny tugs your antennae over your eyes and stands, pressing her knee into your shoulders.

"Mr Do Bee is right. We also have to remember that just because you are—you’re waltzing with someone it means you want to—there is no obligation, and—"

“ _Thank you_ , Sparky. So eloquent,” you growl as you stand, squirming out from under her knee and instead casually grappling with Danny’s monkey arms until you can be sure she won’t noogie you. “Also, just because you take someone to a bakery for pie doesn’t mean they will sleep with you—”

"Yeah, and neither does jumping into an overexaggerated pit of light, right?"

"Eat a dick, Gumby—"

"Get off of my whole body, Bunnicula—"

"Is that a dog bone or are you just—"

"Do  _not_ —”

"—-AND THE ONLY WAY TO TRULY PREVENT DANGER IS TO BE AWARE OF THE HAZARDS AROUND YOU AND MAKE APPROPRIATE ADJUSTMENTS TO YOUR BEHAVIOUR AND TO THE SITUATION THANK YOU GOOD BYE STAY SAFE."

The curtain drops rapidly and you look to the chorus line for Laura, only to see she is now in front of you, chest heaving.

"Are you," she hisses, " _serious.”_

Danny shrugs sheepishly, pushing her dog mask off her face, and you straighten your antennae.

"Safety and fire prevention is not a joke, Laura."

Danny  _loses_ it, shaking so hard it looks like her tail is wagging. Laura huffs and you know you’re in a lot of trouble there, but then the director comes over and before Laura can spew out apologies for you he is asking if you and Danny would be interested in teaching a self-defense seminar for teens and Danny is whimpering behind her stupid fuzzy paws she’s laughing so hard.

"Laura here is very skilled in the art of krav maga," you tell him in lieu of answer, and he turns excitedly to Laura as she gives you a look that says at once  _"you are not getting laid for a long time"_ and  _"thank you for appreciating and recognizing my skills as a self defense artist."_

"So…what do you think the chances are of us getting roped into this again?" Danny asks you, wiping her eyes on her paw.

"Oh like 100%, but how about this: whoever caves first has to wear The Cone for a whole day."

Danny gasps. “As a  _human?_ ”

"Yes."

"You’re on, Karnstein."

-

You run into an inordinate amount of door frames and walls and Danny will never stop laughing at you—or taking pictures—but Laura is smiling at you when you look up at her from where she just tossed you over her shoulder, so it’s worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> what a hot mess. 
> 
> find me on tumblr siimulacra.tumblr.com


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